Who's your Daddy?
by she.said.sarcastically
Summary: Lily's done it a lot lately... what happens when she finds out she's pregnant, and she's not sure who's the father? Rated T because I don't actually describe the sex, I just mention it. Mostly LEJP.
1. The boyfriend

**With all this talk about Jamie Lynn Spears's pregnant-ness, I started thinking about premarital sex and all the crap that comes with it. So this will be a short story, I think, and it will be very interesting. I think. Promise you won't Brit-pick!**

**So, here we go. It'll be good, if I do say so myself ;)**

**Who's your Daddy?**

**Part One: The sex**

**Chapter One: The boyfriend**

Hello, members of my audience today. I'm Lily Evans. You may know me, you may not, but in any case, I'm here to tell you a little story about myself. It starts with sex and it ends with a baby. But there's a whole lot of drama in between, let me tell you. First of all I'd like to let you know that when people say not to have sex before you're married, you should listen to them. They're probably right. While everything has worked out for me, it may not for you. Sure, sure, use a rubber, they say. You'll be fine. Well, my friends, condoms break sometimes, and when they do, you can get pregnant. Wow-ie, now you've got a baby on your hands. That sounds like fun. Just like that flour sack child you took care of in the seventh grade, eh? Not quite.

Anyhow, I must get on with it, I suppose.

James and I had been dating for quite a while. Two years, actually. So you'd think _maybe _we'd have had a bit of "fun." But no. Saint James, surprisingly enough, did not believe in premarital sex. The prat.

I mean, I'd been sweet little schoolgirl for a long time. But we're out of school now. We'd been dating for almost two years! So why, oh why wouldn't he sleep with me? I mean, obviously he slept with me. We lived together in a cute little apartment in—well, I can't reveal that. For all I know, you're a Death Eater.

James and I were in the Order of the Phoenix, a secret society that was created by Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard alive, to stop the evil plans of that asshole Lord Voldemort. Of course, if you _are _a Death Eater, you already know all this. And you're totally ready to kick my ass from here to California for insulting little Tommy Riddle.

Anyhow, James did sleep in the same bed as me. But the most clothing he'd taken off while we're in there was his shirt. And he got really angry with me if I tried to get in bed with my clothes off. I'd always thought he was an insufferable skirt chaser with no respect for women… but I guess this whole "no premarital sex" thing made James Potter a… virgin? Holy shit, I'd never thought about that before.

James had a report to finish for Dumbledore. He'd been looking into—well, that isn't important. He'd been looking into some seriously dark stuff, and he told me not to expect him until late. So I lay in bed, wishing he was there next to me. It was late September, and boy, was it cold! I was under the covers wearing flannels, and I was still shivering!

So then I heard James come into the room. "Lily?" he said. "That you?"

"What were the first words I spoke directly to you?" I sat up in bed and ask the security question, my hand gripping my wand just in case. I remembered that. James had been annoying Severus, and that was back when Sev and I were friends. _Best Friends._ So I had done the only thing I could think to do.

I punched James in the face. Then he had said, "Why did you just punch me in the face?" and I said… I waited silently for James to answer the question.

"'I think the real question here is 'why did your face just run into my fist?'" James replied with a small laugh.

I smiled, relaxing. It was definitely him. James made to sit on the edge of the bed, before remembering he should ask me, too. "What exactly did I ask when I asked you out and you said yes?" Oh, that was a good one. We had vowed never to tell anyone about how he finally got me to say yes to a date with him.

"'Lily, I don't care if you say no. I don't care if you say yes. But I feel like I have to give it one last go. I dunno if I've been imagining it or not, but you seem like you've been… I dunno… warming up to me, I guess. Maybe even fancying me… I dunno, maybe it's just wishful thinking… Lily, d'you want to go to Hogsmeade with me?'" I quoted. James looked amazed that I remembered the whole thing.

His face softened and his hazel eyes had that adorable puppy-dog look in them. He sat next to me on the bed and pulled me into him so that I was resting my head on his shoulder and he was resting his head on the top of mine. "I love you, Lils. You know that, right?"

"You only tell me every day," I sighed happily. "I love you too, James. Loads."

"Loads what?"

"I love you loads, you prat!" I said, giggling. James kicked off his shoes and began kissing me fervently. Then he stopped abruptly.

"I've been thinking, Lils."

"A dangerous pastime," I said solemnly.

"Seriously, Lily. I think… I mean, if it's okay with you… I think I'd like to have sex."

I looked at him, eyebrows raised. "What happened to no sex before marriage?"

"Well, Lily, I think you'll be glad to hear that you make me far too horny to last much longer without shagging you." He laughed, and I couldn't help but smile. "Not all men have endless self-restraint, and sadly, I am one of the many who do not. So, lets get going."

—THIS SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT AND OTHERWISE INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECT MATTER—

Afterwards, I lay all cuddled close to him. I was finally warm in the cold September night.

"That was fun," I said.

"Sure," James said sleepily.

I sat up. "You've finally lost your virginity and all you can say is 'sure?'"

James opened his eyes. "Well, it was great, Lils, it's just I've got nothing to compare it to."

"Are you implying I might be bad at _sex?_" I stood up and threw my nightshirt angrily over my head.

"No, I'm just saying I thought it was great, but I wouldn't _know,_" he said, sitting.

"Are we really fighting about whether I'm good at sex or not?" I said shrilly.

"Well, I wasn't trying to fight, but if you think we're fighting then I guess we're fighting!" James stood up and faced me across the bed.

"Well, I didn't having sex with me was such a bad option! I suppose now you'd like to call up a friend—Anna-lee, per se—and see how she compares!"

"If that's the kind of guy you think I am, maybe we shouldn't have done anything!"

"If that's what you think, maybe we shouldn't have!"

"Well, then, let's go to bed and forget this ever happened!"

"FORGET IT! You can go to bed if you want to, and you can take as many girls as you want with you! Don't you get it, James? We fight too much! We just can't get along, ever, and we can't keep living together if we can't! And we sure as hell can't keep dating! Sometimes I think it was a mistake to say yes in the first place!" During this little monologue, I had been pulling all my things out of drawers and shoving them into my duffel bag.

James looked slightly stunned, but then his face hardened. "Sometimes I think it was a mistake to ask." He spat out bitterly. He turned and walked out the sliding glass doors to the balcony.

"ARRRRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!" I shrieked. "See you around! Or, you know, not!"

The next thing I know, all I've got is my bag and about half of my dignity. I caught the Knight Bus and headed for Sirius's place. I mean, yeah, he was my ex-boyfriend's best mate. But he was my friend too. And boy, did I need a friend right then.

I'll pause our story for now. I'm sure you can deal with it. Maybe go have a cup of coffee or cocoa or something. It's the cold time again, isn't it? Flu shots and candy canes, that's what this time of year is all about.

Tune in soon for the next chapter of "Who's Your Daddy?"

**A/N: I don't know if that was bad or good or what, but if I do say so myself, it was decent, at least. **

**Please review, even if you hate it! I just want to know how I can make it better.**

**Love,**

**she.said.sarcastically**


	2. The exboyfriend's best mate

**Who's your Daddy?**

**Part One: The sex**

**Chapter Two: The ex-boyfriend's best mate**

Hello again. Did you have some coffee like I told you to? Or maybe you had tea. My mother always liked tea, but I could never stand the stuff. Dad used to joke that I wasn't a real British girl, because, he said, real Brits love tea.

Anyhow, I believe we left of with me going to Sirius's place.

"Sirius!" I banged on the apartment door. "Sirius, open up!"

The door slowly opened. "Lily, it's bleeding two in the morning!" Then he straightened up. "Where's James? Is he okay? What happened?"

"We—well, we—we kind of split up, Sirius. We're not living together anymore. Or dating anymore. And as it's his apartment, I left and he stayed… and I'm pretty much out on my ass. Could I just spend one night here?"

Sirius rubbed his face tiredly, running a hand through his usually perfect—but now quite bed-ruffled—hair. "Merlin, Lily, you can obviously stay for as long as you need, but why'd you two split up?"

"We had one too many rows, that's all," I said, making it quite clear that this subject was closed.

"What'd you row about?" Okay, obviously he didn't get the whole 'subject closed' part of my statement.

"Well, we sort of had sex—"

"You're kidding!" Sirius was—can you believe this?—laughing. "You got Saint James to go to bed with you?"

"Yes, now will you listen? It was a stupid thing to fight about, but I'd had it. We fought about every little thing. I guess we just weren't meant to be or something." I said, shivering slightly in the (did I mention it was bleeding _freezing _out there?) night breeze.

Sirius picked up on this and gestured for me to follow him. "Would you like some tea?"

"Ugh, Sirius, you know I hate the stuff," I said, wrinkling my nose.

Sirius laughed. "My version of a security question. You pass." He made me some coffee and sat me down on the sofa.

"So, what happened? He tell you that you were terrible at it or something?"

"Not in so many words. But he implied it," I insisted.

Sirius was shaking his head. "Lils, you know how James is. He can never say the right thing when he's around you. The poor bloke," Sirius's grey eyes met my green ones. "I bet he's miserable."

"He ought to be," I spat. Then I looked at him thoughtfully. A strangely masochistic thought had just hit me.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Sirius asked nervously. "Oh, no, Lils. You aren't—you can't be—"

"For experimental purposes only," I maintained. "Not because I fancy your cock or anything."

Sirius looked as though he might be sick.

I sighed. "Please, Sirius. I just need to see if I really am crap at it." I gave him a look so utterly pitiful that I could almost see his will actually crumbling.

—THIS SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT AND OTHERWISE INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECT MATTER—

"Holy—" Sirius breathed, pulling his pants up. "Fuck," he finished. "You are not crap at that at all, Lily. Trust me. I've done plenty of girls, and you are not crap at anything concerning what we just did." He looked at me, and then closed his eyes. "This never happened, got it?"

"What never happened?" I said sweetly.

"Ooh, you're good." Sirius said, pulling his shirt back over his head. "Now, let's get some sleep and when we wake up tomorrow, this will all have been a dream. An incredibly sexy dream," he muttered when he thought I wasn't listening.

I ended up sleeping on Sirius's fold out sofa for most of the next day. When I woke up, it was three in the afternoon. Well, two sex experiences in one night can take a lot out of a girl. I sat up in "bed" and gazed around Sirius's lonely living space. I couldn't believe he'd lived here all by himself for years. I knew he'd spent a lot of time at James's parents' house, too, but it seemed sad to me.

Thinking about James made tears come to my eyes. I was stupid for leaving him, and I knew it. Part of me, though, sort of thought I could get over him if I could find the right distraction.

_Right, _I thought. _How about I take up finger knitting? There's a distraction for you._

I hoped that I wasn't going to reduce myself to sleeping around to get over James. Actually, by that point, I knew I should go back to him… but what if he didn't want me back? And now I had done it with his best mate—I was a bad person. If James ever found out about me and Sirius—he'd hate me forever. As well as Sirius. Sirius had just lost his brother—why on earth did I let myself help him lose his best mate?

"Sirius?" I called out croakily.

"Lily!" Sirius said brightly, coming out of the kitchen. "You're awake! I was afraid you'd gone unconscious before I remembered you'd had sex twice in one night. You poor, poor girl." Sirius shook his head mockingly.

"Ha ha," I said sarcastically. "Anyways, I was going to tell you I'd be leaving. I've been a terrible person. Worse than that! I've done things with you—you're his best mate! And… well… I'm sorry. We say now that we'll never tell him. We say now that it'll be our secret. But Sirius, come on, honestly, do you really think either of us could keep something like this from him for very long? I know that if I ever see him again, I will run into his arms, crying like the little baby I am and I'll tell him. And you're practically his brother, Sirius! You and I both know we'll have to tell him."

Sirius stood still, the smile slowly slipping off his face as though it was snow thawing in the springtime. "You're right. And besides, it's not like it—well, it didn't—it didn't _mean_ anything, did it?"

"Of course it did," I said calmly. "It meant that you, Sirius Black, are one of the best friends I could have. Thank you, and I'm sorry. I'll be leaving now."

"Please, Lils, just stay a couple of days longer. You have no idea how crazy living alone can make a bloke," Sirius's gorgeous grey eyes looked at me imploringly.

"Fine, if you insist. Just a bit longer. I need to figure out a way to apologize to James. I was—I am—I'm being so stupid. I thought we'd be a bad pair, because we always fought, but… what I didn't realize that the fact that we always fought was what made us a good pair." Sirius looked at me confusedly, so I explained. "I meant that we always had to make up with each other, because neither of us could stand to be angry at the other for long."

Sirius was silent a moment. Then he sighed and rubbed his stubbled cheek and chin. "Merlin, Lily. I wish I had a girl who loved me as much as you love James."

"I know. And I'm very sorry that you don't." I pulled at Sirius's hand and made him sit on the bed next to me. "But you know, James, Remus, Peter, Alice, Frank—we all love you, Sirius. No offense, but your family's a bunch of old bats. But they don't matter, because we're your family now, got it?"

Sirius ran the back of his hand across his eyes and tried to pass it off as though he was rubbing sleep away. I smiled softly and hugged him tightly. "Thanks, Lily."

Then the door banged open and the room was engulfed in darkness.

"OI!" Sirius shouted, and the sofa-bed creaked as he jumped to his feet.

"I hate to interrupt such a sweet scene," a terrifyingly familiar voice rang out from the apartment doorway. "But somebody has an appointment with the Dark Lord. And you two know how much he _detests _tardiness."

Sirius had grabbed my hand, and I was now standing next to him, also pointing my wand at the silhouetted figure in the doorway. Sirius let out a low growling sound and uttered a single word that confirmed my fears. "_Snape."_

**So, there's chapter two. Hope you enjoyed! I wonder… can you guess who the third father candidate shall be?**

**Please review! They mean so much to me!**


	3. The ex best friend

I haven't updated in a while… no one really seems to care much, but y'know, whatever

**I haven't updated in a while… no one really seems to care much, but y'know, whatever. Here's the next chapter anyhow.**

Part One: The Sex

Chapter Three: The Ex-Best Friend

Well, needless to say I was rendered unconscious by maybe a stunning spell, or maybe a blow to the head. Either way, when I awoke, Sev was bending over me, looking slightly concerned. When he saw my open eyes, he sighed and leaned back. "I'm sorry," he said. "It had to be done. You two are… well, you two are some of the best in the Order. We had to take you."

"I hate you," I deadpanned at the blank stone ceiling above me.

Sev sighed again. "I know. I'm sorry about that, too."

I couldn't resist a peek at him, to see if he really _was _sorry. I figured he was, because I mean, honestly, why would he tell me he was if he wasn't? His black eyes were on me, sad-looking, almost wistful. "If you're so sorry, let me and Sirius go." I said.

Sev shook his head. "I don't see how I can."

"Coward," I spat at him. "You're a filthy coward." He didn't deny it. "Where's Sirius?"

"Black?" No, the other Sirius. "He's over there. Still unconscious by the sound of it."

"What d'you mean, 'by the sound of it'?"

"Well," Sev shrugged. "He isn't shouting at me, is he?"

I thought about that, and realized it was true. How was I going to get out of there with no wand and no Sirius? "I'll make you a deal, Sev," I said desperately.

Sev raised an eyebrow at the old nickname. "And what might this deal involve?"

"If you give me and Sirius our wands back, and let us out of here, I'll have sex with you. Well," I revised, "I'll do it you before you let us go."

"And how do you know I want what you're offering?"

I rolled my eyes. "Please, Sev. What guy _wouldn't?_"

Sev appeared to deliberate this point. "How do you know I won't take your fuck and not let you go anyhow?"

"I trust you, I think," I said.

"What about _Potter_?" he asked darkly.

I sighed, feeling my throat tighten and my eyes well up. "We're not exactly together anymore."

Sev gave a sort of twisted smile before saying, "Fine. Deal. Just so long as no one finds out about this."

—THIS SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT AND OTHERWISE INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECT MATTER—

"That was interesting," Sev said, his face less sallow than I'd ever seen it.

"Yeah," I agreed, pulling my shirt back on. "Not the best fuck I've had today, but good enough."

"Pardon my asking," Sev said, handing back my wand, "but just how many fucks have you gotten today?"

"Well… one last night… one in the early hours of this morning… and, uh, just now. So, like, three, I suppose, in the past twenty-four hours."

"Busy girl," he said, amused.

"Yep," I replied dryly. "Sirius's wand, please," I held out my hand and took it.

"Do you still hate me?"

I hesitated. "I guess not. But I can't forgive you."

Sev nodded. "I understand. You'd better get going before they come in here. Oh, you might want to look as though you've knocked me out or something."

"Please, Sev, even if You-Know-Who comes in here, Sirius and I can take him. Me and a bunch of the other Order members—we've already escaped him twice. We can do it again." I paused. "I'm going to Stupefy you now."

He nodded. "See you 'round."

_Stupefy! _I thought, pointing my wand at him. I grabbed Sirius's unconscious form and blasted the opposing wall apart. I heard alarms go off, but once I dragged Sirius outside, I Disapparated, taking him with me.

I Apparated at Alice and Frank's apartment. Banging on the door, I shouted, "Allie! Let me in!"

The door was opened by Frank, who said, "What was your supposed reasoning in third year to make Alice my partner in Herbology?"

"I said I had a vision during Divination the period before and that I saw myself being partnered with Kartik Patil instead of Alice, thank you Frank, now, please… oh, jeez, wait… uh… what is Alice's mother's maiden name?"

Frank smiled. "Rider. Come in, Lily. Er… Sirius… is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's just unconscious." I threw Sirius down on the couch. "Where's Alice?"

"She's in bed, asleep, as most people are at this time of night. Morning. Whatever."

I grimaced. "I'm sorry for barging in here, Frank. I was at Sirius's place—we got taken by Death Eaters."

Frank's eyes widened. "How'd you get away? Where's James, wasn't he with you?"

"No. He—I—We… we split up. Last night."

Frank's dark brown eyes softened, and he pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry, Lily. What'd you two row about now, anyhow?"

I sighed. "Well, we sort of… hang on, I need to tell Alice. Get her up, please."

He led me into their small bedroom, nothing but the bed and Alice's old purple desk lamp sitting on the floor in the corner of the room. "Allie?" he sat on the edge of the bed and gently shook Alice awake. "Alice, love, Lily's here."

Alice's eyes opened. "Lils!" she cried, flinging her arms around me. "It's so good to see you. What time is it?"

"Late," Frank said dryly, and I, of course, ignored him.

"James and I had sex, Alice." I said quickly. She gasped, and I heard Frank mutter something about 'Saint James.' "Uh-huh," I continued. "And then…" I proceeded to tell the story.

When I had finished, Alice and Frank gaped at me open-mouthed. They were silent. I waited for one of them to speak, unsure if I wanted to hear what either of them had to say. Frank spoke first: "You had sex three times in the space of twenty-four hours?"

I nodded, feeling my face heat up. Alice swallowed a giggle before saying, "James, Sirius, and Snape… Hmm… not exactly who I would serial-fuck, but okay, your life, not mine."

Frank looked as though he was going to say something, perhaps to ask Alice just who she _would _serial-fuck. Instead, he shook his head and put his hand on top of Alice's. I cleared my throat awkwardly. "I should wake Sirius."

I walked back into the living room and turned Sirius over on the couch. I lifted the Stunning spell on him and he blinked a couple times. "Lily? What? Where are we?"

"We're at Frank and Alice's," I said.

Sirius sat up, running a hand through his silky black hair. "What? But—Snape! And—how did you—?"

"I, uh, sort of…"

Sirius rolled his silvery eyes. "You have a bad case of getting-over-ex-boyfriend." He snorted. "Just go back to your old place and ask for him to take you back."

"Are you serious?" I paused. "Say nothing. I have no patience for your lame jokes tonight. What I mean is, you've got to be kidding me! Don't you think I have any dignity at all?"

"Lily, honestly, you just had sex three times in one day. I don't see how even _you _could mistake yourself for someone with dignity." Involuntary tears sprang to my eyes. Here was Sirius Black, the king of Sluts, telling me I had no dignity. The irony was enough to drive a woman into madness, but I figured I must already be pretty far past the point of no return where my sanity was concerned. "Oh, God, are you _crying?_" Sirius sounded appalled. "Lily, stop it."

I sniffled. "I—" I started crying in earnest then, and through my blurry eyes I could see Sirius looking nervous and disgusted at the same time. He was never very good at masking his emotions. He patted the top of my head awkwardly. "I'm not crawling back to him. I refuse to do it, Sirius. This is a matter of honor; I walked out on him, I'm not begging him to take me back."

Sirius contemplated this. Then he exhaled in defeat. "Do you want him back?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not know? Don't you miss him? Do you wish he missed you?"

"I don't know," I repeated. "I just—I thought I loved him. I think I still do. But we're so different, Sirius. If we couldn't stay together the first time, why should the second time be any different?"

Sirius's mouth turned upward at one side. "You said it yourself, Lils. Neither of you can stay mad at the other for long. You said that you two made a good pair, because no matter how much you fought, you always made up."

I sighed. I had said that, hadn't I… I wondered if James had found a new girl yet. It'd only been a day, but you never knew with him. Anna-lee Aaron lived nearby to James's apartment, and he very well might have taken my sarcastic advice and called her up. "I'm not going back to him after one lousy day. It'll take at least a fortnight to get me back to that apartment."

Sirius shrugged. "Suit yourself. But Lily—how are you going to face him at the Order meeting tomorrow?"

"Bloody fuck," I said.

"Yes," Sirius agreed.

Alice came staggering into the room at this point, her curly blonde hair hanging unkempt around her face. "Would you two like some… er… coffee, Lily? Tea, Sirius?"

"Coffee's good, thanks Alice," I said brightly.

"Whatever," Sirius said, collapsing on the couch again.

Alice pulled out coffee and tea, and before I knew it, a mug was being shoved under my nose. "Thanks, Allie," I said before taking a sip of the coffee. I spat it back into the cup. "Er, Alice, what kind of coffee _is _this?"

Alice frowned, handing me the package. "It's the same kind you always drink," she said.

Sure enough, as I looked at the package I saw that it was the same brand and flavor as always. "What's wrong with it, then?" Sirius sat up and was gaping at me. "What," I asked him, "is your issue?"

"Lily," he said disbelievingly, "how many times did you have sex in the past, erm, let's see, day?"

"What are you on about you—" I broke off. "Bloody hell. You don't think—"

"Lily," Frank began nervously, "are you…"

"Pregnant?" Alice finished.

Oh, shit. Just my luck, wasn't it?

**Fourth chapter should be coming soon. Ish. Soon-ish.**

**Anyways, did you like it? Review, please, there's more to come! :D**


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